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The difficulty comes when expressing feelings of anger, hurt and disappointment in the moment the event happens because often, and this is confusing to me, I have a delayed reaction. In the moment, I can take lightly/say “whatever” to how my husband spoke to me but later, sometimes even that day or sometimes the day(s) later, I have a “wait a minute” moment and realize that I did not like what or how he said something. My reaction pre-reaction is often just as genuine and authentic and I really don’t care, but sometimes I have a “wait a minute, that wasn’t ok from him” reaction. That can leave me feeling dumb, very out of touch with myself and, as much as I think otherwise, out of touch of how I want to be treated and expect to be treated by my husband.
I want to feel safe and free to revisit the experience later with him to say: “hey, that wasn’t ok.” I want to feel safe and free to express what I didn’t like in the moment in an open, honest and genuine way, EVEN if that means I sound angry because that’s how I am genuinely feeling, without cushioning my words or tip-toeing into the conversation just to prevent/thwart his negative reactions.
I want to be able to say “Hey, that wasn’t ok” in the moment, and even later when it matters, and have that heard and received.
I need to slow down my thought processes and make room for the feelings swirling inside. It is challenging for me because I have always hidden away and shied away from saying what I really feel. It’s these baby steps that I hope will give me the courage to forge ahead to a truer self and more fulfilling and honest relationships with my husband, family, and friends. Like anything else, I think just practicing doing it will create more confidence.
The repeated exercise of checking in with myself and asking, “ how am I feeling”? and “what do I want”? gives me space and respect that is validating and grounding. Further, meditating on my negative thoughts and feelings and questioning their validity makes them dissipate. I am left with a clearer and less cluttered sense of self knowledge. I am more certain in what I want and, having peeled away the self doubt, I can then vulnerably ask for what I want with confidence.
I can express what I want to say right now vulnerability and confidently by choosing to be authentic. By telling myself that even if he doesn’t react the way I dream he does that’s still ok. Doesn’t take away from the fact that I am still loved. We are allowed to disagree. I don’t have to be perfect. I don’t have to put on a face. I am good enough, I am trying my best and these is nothing wrong or shameful in having wants and needs. It’s actually human, it’s how we were designed and if I were designed like that, surely he was too. Knowing all these things makes it easier to be empathetic and open up to him. Knowing these things, and I guess repeating it to myself before I’m about to express something I’m not sure about helps me vulnerable and feel confident that I am doing the right thing. Even if that is just expressing myself in a different way – in a vulnerable way, the better way.
instead of responding/requesting impulsively, i should give a thought how to frame my words so that they will be accepted in the direction that is amenable to my wants/needs.