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My husband tried to give me a passionate kiss. I told him I was not in a kissy mood. He felt rejected. I can have some empathy for him. I known his primary love language is touch. I was willing to watch TV and hold hands. He shut down. What do I do with that?!? I can’t talk to him about it because he doesn’t talk. He just shrugs or says I don’t know. Stuck between a rock and a hard place. Ultimately I feel responsible for getting him out of his mood and give in whether I am feeling in the mood or not. That is not being my authentic self.
Great question!
It is so important in all, and especially intimate relationships, to have the safety to say yes and the safety to say no – in all areas. If you were not in the mood to kiss, and offered an alternative way to connect lovingly and respectfully, then you were being respectful of you and of him. If he then gets upset, that is understandable on his side – he may have felt rejected or insulted. And, that does not make you responsible for his feelings.
I have an older brother who has developmental delays and learning/cognitive issues. BH he is able to live independently and take care of many of the basics of life we all take for granted. He manages a bank account, he can drive and do his own shopping and, BH, he can hold down a job, though the jobs he has had a specifically for people who have challenges.
He has been living with our mom since before last Pessach due to Covid and, while my mom has always helped him with many things, I push him to do more on his own. This often causes conflict and tension between us, even though what I do push him to do are things I think he is capable of. When he accomplishes it, even if I am walking him through something step-by-step (such as how to send an email to multiple people), I acknowledge and celebrate his success with him.
That said, that doesn’t happen too often because patience, a component of which is kindness, is one of the midos I need to improve the most, and I am not a good sister or friend to him. I am very protective of him, but when it comes to our interactions, I get frustrated easily with him, I can be tough on him and I push him. I am not patient and I am not as kind as I should be with him. I am not being hard on myself, he pushes my buttons too and I know that if it were anyone else, I would have It infinitely more patience.
But something happened the other day that opened my eyes toward being a better sister for him. It happened that he needed an injection for something and I wound up going with him. I saw him getting very anxious as soon as the nurse was there and even as she swabbed his arm with alcohol. I told him to take my hands and to just stare at me. As she prepped his arm, he got more and more anxious and started crying out “oh, oh, oh” BEFORE she even gave him the shot. He was squirming in his seat, his breath was quick and shallow, he was squinting his eyes, looking back toward her instead of keeping eye contact with me, and making different noises I can’t label as anything other than short cries. He never let go of my hands, but he kept looking the nurse’s direction despite my telling him to keep looking at me. My guess was that he didn’t even feel the injection as he was so involved in his anxiety. I was taken aback by his reaction, especially as it continued for several minutes after the nurse put the band aid on. When I asked, he said that this is what he goes through. I remember no such reactions from him when we went to the doctor together as children. I had such ruchmunos; it broke my heart to see him suffer like that and I knew I needed to talk to him about taking a very mild relaxant the next time he needed a shot. I couldn’t see him going through such an experience ever again whenever he needed an injection for something. The pain I felt for him was a bit of an awakening, a reminder from Hashem, that I need to act with more empathy and sensitivity with him, even, or especially, when he is yelling at me and pushing my buttons. I am grateful for having gone with him and IYH I can keep this experience fresh in my mind so that when I feel challenged and frustrated by my brother, I can tap into this moment and remember how empathetic, protective and loving I felt towards him. IYH I can work on improving myself and my relationship with him as well.
I know that my brother probably isn’t the target person that was discussed in the call, and that the target person was likely our husbands (and ourselves) when they’re not acting the way we want, are mad at us,etc., but I’m sure that the midah of being empathy when you’re faced with a challenging person, whether is your husband or brother or uncle or mother, or sister, comes from the same skill set we’re all striving for by working with Chana.
My husband, who is not a man of words, is starting to open up slowly and share more. I think it may be because of the empathy work we’re learning here. I’m working hard on not interrupting and on listening with curiosity rather than judgement.
Im feeling a positive shift in our relationship, something I always dreamt of but didn’t think would actually happen..
Dreams do come true if we let them, And Invest in them with the right guidance.
Thank you Chana!
We were having dinner as a family the other evening and my teenage son and my pre-teen daughter were having a go at each other. It was at the end of a long stressful day and as a result of the fighting my husband wasn’t feeling tolerant. My daughter proceeded to speak to him in a rude way which got his back up and he reprimanded her. So she stormed off and was shouting. What would have usually happened at this point is that I would assume she is overtired and needs to get to get to sleep, and I would ‘lecture’ her that it’s not the way to speak to her father. However, after listening to these classes about being in integrity, being authentic and vulnerable, and empathetic I asked my daughter if she would want to talk or just let it out by crying. What happened from that point on was nothing short of a miracle. She told me everything and was crying. When my husband walked into room to see what was happening I invited him to sit down and listen to what our daughter was saying. She was too scared to tell him how angry she felt with him at first, but I assured her that it was ok to be vulnerable even though it felt so scary. I held her as she discussed what she needed to with him, and then the two of them had such a healing conversation. In the past I would have been very judgemental of my husband for his reaction and have a whole lot of mind-talk going on in my head. I would have either shut down to him and acted in a cool manner, or I would have been all self righteous and would have ‘lectured’ him too when we would discuss it afterwards. But when we spoke about it after the kids were asleep, we had one of our most honest, connected, intimate and insightful conversations ever. I showed up and spoke from a place of deep authenticity and vulnerability, B.H, managing to drop judgement, which created a safe space for him to really hear what was being communicated, and vice versa. I was able to be in my full strength but in a gentle way. It was a huge blessing and I feel so grateful to Hashem and to you Channa for these teachings. It felt like emet. It was incredible to experience the power of these teachings within an uncomfortable situation. Thank you.